Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! December 2012
Here’s the skinny from the Andersons and Labrums:
Jessica and Todd were elevated to the status of favorite children when they produced the world's most amazing baby! Hudson Michael Labrum was born on May 14th and instantly Pam turned into the most braggy, obnoxious grandma that ever did live. Jessica and Todd are perfect parents, unless you factor in the time recently that Hudson rolled off the chair, and Pam is a perfect grandma, unless you factor in the time she almost used Preparation H on Hudson's circumcision. Hey, don't judge, she was sleep deprived! Hudson thinks everything is funny! Jessica and Todd will go to any length, forsaking all pride and vanity to crack the little guy up. He is also a great fake crier, and let's be honest, that takes talent! If Todd starts to fake cry, Hudson will get the biggest cutest fat lip you ever did see and start to wail, too. It's so cute that they can't stop making him cry. Some call that child abuse, they call it entertainment. Are you ready for news that is too good to be true? Todd has an internship in San Diego this summer so Dave and Pam will be able to smother Hudson with love and loud, hideous toys that only grandparents buy. We couldn't love him more and we're ready for Jessica and Todd to pop out another one!
Auntie Shelby decided to participate in the demolition derby again this year. By again, we mean she also participated last year. We didn't mention it in last year's letter because we thought it wouldn't be nice. But when you total your second car within a year's period, the cat is comin' out of the bag. Last year's fatality was a Toyota Echo. Poor little thing didn't stand a chance against the classic newly painted Camaro that it rammed into. This year’s fatality involved the grandma vehicle that Dave found to replace the Echo. Once again, that poor Hyundai Sonata didn't have a prayer against the 2012 Honda Civic and...that's right, this time it was a three car pileup...the 2011 Toyota Sequoia. Only the Sequoia limped away from the scene of the accident. The other vehicles were towed, Shelby's to Hyundai heaven. The funniest part of all was Shelby's comment to Pam a few days later. She said, "Dad didn't exactly have his I'm just glad you're okay face on when he came to rescue me." It's true; Dave's sympathy level was at an all-time low. Now our little drag racing queen is flying around town in a super charged, fire engine red beast of a Pontiac Grand Prix. Makes sense, dontcha think. If you total two slow cars you certainly won't total a race car. Pray for our little Shelby and everyone else who is on the road when she's driving. (NOTE: No humans were injured during the making of this story. Only Shelby’s pride was hurt!) Even though she’s a crazy driver, we still love her, especially because she’s willing to touch up Pam’s gray roots on a regular basis!
While Shelby was totaling cars, Uncle Jake began collecting them. You'd think they were matchbox cars the way he trades them. His pride and joy and true love is his 1992 Toyota MR2 which he affectionately refers to as The Two. Or the Mr. Two. Call it what you want, it's his baby. Most days he can be found in the garage waxing and polishing her up. Then he got a bright idea to buy a Jeep. The beast of a Jeep will rattle your brains and shake the panty hose right off ya. Just ask Pam! It's not meant to transport 52 year old women who are hanging onto their continence for dear life. Now he's decided to sell the Jeep and stick with the Mister. He still loves to golf, loves his job at the golf course, and loves "talking" with the girls in the pro shop. Pam spends her days spying on the hoochie mamas, making sure they stay an arm’s length away from her baby boy.
Grandpa Dave was headed toward the cul-de-sac hair do and he decided any amount of fuzz on his head could not and would not be tolerated, so he shaved his head totally bald and...are you ready for this...also his stache! That's right people, for the first time in 31 years he is whisker free! Unfortunately Pam is not! Grandpa wishes his little Huddy wasn't so far away but teases and torments him across the miles thanks to Skype and FaceTime. He continues to collect knives and guns and Pam continues to sleep with one eye open. A few months back he worked out of town in Los Angeles for 3 weeks, so the family decided to go up and visit. It was a fun weekend, eating at Pink's Hot Dogs (where Tim McGraw is known to eat) and buying a map of the star's homes in Beverly Hills, and finding Tim McGraw’s home where Pam plucked (some would say stole) a lemon from his tree. No, we're not kidding. She would have used his out house had it not been behind a very tall electric fence. How do we know it's electric? Pam's got the perm to prove it! Speaking of out houses, Dave and Jake made their mark in Tom Cruise's port-a-potties. The weekend in LA could be summed up as The Beverly Hillbillies, Part Two!
Grammy Pammy can't seem to keep herself in California since that blessed day in May when Hudson was born. The woman who barely ever stepped foot on an airplane is now racking up frequent flyer miles left and right. She had a few not so slight travel issues on her Halloween trip to Chicago. Just a couple of the many problems were: waiting at the wrong gate for her plane and having her name called "Pamela Anderson" over the loud speaker while everyone turned and looked in great disappointment and getting stuck in Vegas overnight due to heavy fog in San Diego and staying in a hotel with no luggage at all, not so much as a toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant or makeup (you do the math). Thankfully what happens in Vegas... Not to be deterred, she is planning another trip in December to visit her sweet grandpunk. You might recall that last year she was in love with a bulldog named Jane. That was short lived and ended abruptly when Hudson was born. She has now returned to her senses and despises both dogs equally.
Tinkerbell decided to take up doggie cannibalism, but because she is super stupid she decided to eat herself. She now has a huge scar the size of a softball on her hind end that is so gross not even Jane will play with her. Speaking of Jane, she continues to melt Dave's heart with her personality and melt everyone else's nostrils with her flatulence. Pam is working on getting them to commit a murder suicide so she can live dog free!!
As we love and snuggle our little Hudson this Christmas, we will think of the Baby Jesus, born in a humble stable, the Savior of mankind. How grateful we are to learn from His perfect life and be saved by his Atoning sacrifice. He is the reason for the season, and we hope that this Christmas season brings you blessings beyond measure. Each of you is a blessing to us, and you are truly loved by the Andersons!
Merry Christmas! May God bless you, each and every one!
Grandpa Dave, Grammy Pammy, Jessica, Todd, HUDSON, Auntie Shelby and Uncle Jake