A big HoHoHo to y’all from the Anderson Family! It’s that time of year when we put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and humiliate ourselves in the annual Christmas letter. So let’s get this party started! WARNING: This year’s letter contains graphic medical issues that are not for the faint of heart. Continue on at your own risk!
We’re gonna lead off with JAKE this year. The past year has brought some highs and low to Jake’s life, but unfortunately they have come by way of his blood sugar. Last February, during a physical to qualify for the golf team, Dr. Krak (pronounced crack…which is a huge problem for Pam because due to her immaturity she giggles every single time he says his name) discovered Jake has Type 1 Diabetes. Not good news, but Jake has taken it like a champ! He’s a real stud when it comes to pricking his finger throughout the day. Oh, except for the time when Pam accidentally set the needle to #9 instead of #3 and it went halfway through his finger. Pam has been less than helpful in this area but is fabulous when it comes to nagging slash reminding him to test his blood and take his medication. Having an excuse to nag is every mother’s dream. As you can see in our spiffy picture, Jake lettered in golf last year and now proudly wears the jacket as proof! And, Jake’s big big news is that he is driving. Not just Shelby crazy, but actually driving a car, and not just any car, a five speed! Pam is as nervous as a fat turkey on Thanksgiving morning when it comes to driving with teenagers, but even she will admit that of all three of the kids, Jake has been the best driver. Pam has gone through far less pairs of Depends with Jake than she did with the girls. Jake will take his driving test the day after Christmas and then will no longer need his mommy to drive him to Seminary and the golf course. (Picture Pam in the fetal position as she thinks of her baby boy no longer needing her!) Jake is a ton of fun and as far as teenagers go, he’s not on our nerves too badly!
Moving along, it’s time to feature slash horrify SHELBYLYNN! We need to take you back in time. Back to when Jessica was 12 years old and Shelby was 6. Jessica broke her arm at school and Pam took her to the doctor to get a cast. When they returned home, they saw that Shelby had wrapped her arm in toilet paper and had made a matching toilet paper sling. She “claimed” that she had broken her arm also. (There’s probably no need to point out that she is the middle child.) Now speed ahead 12 years and here we go again. Jake was diagnosed with Type 1 and within a couple of months, Shelby fainted at work. Passed out! Went down for the count! Got the vapors! Call it what you will, but she and the floor of In and Out Burger became intimately close that day. The only difference between now and 12 years ago is that this time Shelby wasn’t faking. After numerous tests, and a few more fainting episodes, Shelby has officially been diagnosed with Graves Disease. Don’t panic, people! Graves Disease doesn’t send you to the grave. It’s just named after a doctor named Graves. Most parents would feel nothing but sympathy for such a situation, and Dave and Pam did feel some, but also had emotions of sheer envy. You see, besides fainting, Graves Disease causes your body to burn every single calorie consumed, leaving the lucky, oops, we mean poor person who has been diagnosed, very very thin. Poor poor Shelby! Eating anything you want and never being able to gain a single ounce. If it was contagious we’d stick her in a kissing booth and sell tickets to chubby people. Unfortunately, it’s not! Shelby’s illness caused her to miss so much college that she had to withdraw, but now that she’s heavily medicated she will start up again after the first of the year. The older she gets, the less inclined she seems to inflict pain upon Jake. It’s an interesting phenomenon, for which we are grateful. ShelbyLynn is full of life, except when she’s passed out. We love her either way!
Now onto the not so newly but still pretty newly-weds! JESSICA and TODD have had quite a year in Provo. They are happy happy happy and as cute as can be. We are super duper proud of Todd for graduating from BYU in August with a major in Economics. He may have graduated from college, but he’s still got some serious school ahead…law school! Todd was preparing to take the LSAT (the law school entrance exam, not for the faint of heart, obviously not for Shelby). Todd studied and studied. Then he studied some more. He took at least a million and two practice tests. Maybe a million and three! We lost count somewhere along the way. He was ready! He was prepared! He was knocked out cold three days before! What is it with this family? Is anyone seeing a disturbing pattern here? Poor Todd was playing soccer three days before the big test and next thing ya know, he’s got himself one whoppin’ concussion! When he first came around, he couldn’t remember much of anything. Jessica rushed to his side, as any good bride would do, and then rushed him to the ER. On the drive over Todd became Ten-Second-Tom, the guy in the movie 50 First Dates. Every ten seconds he would ask the same question, “What happened to me?” Jessica would say, “You hit your head while playing soccer.” Then Todd would say, “Did we win?” This went on for quite a while. Todd fought back and decided to go ahead with the LSAT. We’re happy to say that he did great on the test and that his memory no longer resets six times a minute. Jessica has been working hard all year as a part time nanny and full time hair stylist. They are looking forward to finding out which school they’ll attend and where they will be living for the next three years. Don’t tell Jess and Todd, but Pam and Dave send subliminal messages via Skype that say “Come to California! Come to California!” Wherever they land, they’re gonna land on their feet, and hopefully stay on them this time.
Now onto the not even close to being newlyweds, DAVE and PAM. We’re just gonna spit it out. There’s really no easy way to say it. The family tried to kill Pam this past year. Bump her off! Eighty-six her! Go OJ on her! You get the picture! While on a family quad ride in the mountains of Southern Utah, Dave, Shelby and Jake convinced Pam to drink from a “natural spring”. Pam didn’t want to do it! She said no way! She was sure there were cooties in that bubbling water. She succumbed to peer pressure. And yes, she did partake! A week or so later she was near death’s door and in the hospital with a 104 degree fever. The doctors said they thought she had Hepatitis A. Pam asked where she would get such a thing. They said possibly from contaminated water! And that’s when she knew the ugly truth…those she thought loved her most had tried to do her in. Never mind that it turns out she didn’t have HepA, and never mind that everyone else drank the water and no one else got sick, Pam still knows the truth and she is still sleeping with one eye open! They never did figure out what was wrong with Pam. Some think she was just sick and tired of dealing with people who were sick and tired. Oh well, she’s back to being perfect now so nothing for y’all to worry about. Dave managed to escape physical illness this year but didn’t fare so well in the mental wellness department. We’re sheepish to tell you that his “feminine side” kicked in this year and caused some horrific moments. The first happened in a shoe store. Pam had gone next door to purchase something and left Dave and Jake alone to look for shoes. Pam realizes now that this was a monumental mistake and she has vowed to never ever do it again. When Pam walked into the shoe store, there Dave was, in all his glory, wearing high heels. Yes, you read that right, high heels! He claims they were those shoes that work your glutes while you walk, but Pam will testify to the truth! High heels! She screamed in horror and immediately made him remove the stilettos! We had hoped Dave’s moments of femininity would have ended there, but no such luck. Not too long after that Pam overheard him saying to Shelby, “Do you have an eyelash curler I can borrow?” No, people, we’re not kidding! Shelby nearly passed out again, this time from sheer terror at the thought that her dad was perusing through her makeup bag. Dave “claimed” he had a stray eyelash, but we have our doubts! We’re keeping a close eye on him and we’ve put Pam’s pantyhose behind lock and key!
We normally mention the dog at this point of the letter, but it’s just the same old story. She is still mentally unbalanced and at this very moment in time is experiencing her fifth false pregnancy. She is truly psycho, and that would be easier to take if she wasn’t so homely and annoying! If you’re shopping for a psychotic, ugly, whiny, neurotic, obnoxious dog for Christmas this year, give us a call!